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New Zealand's leading News Satire site (probably)
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Following cessation of
Iceland Volcano, shipping of funny hats and tweed coats to continue. 26 April 2010  New Zealand's expat communities were said to be
breathing a sigh of relief with the news that urgent supplies of bowler
hats, tweed coats and warm beer were on their way to New Zealand
following the calming of activity and change in wind direction around
the Iceland volcano.Greg Jefferson, a mushy pea enthusiast originally from Surrey said: "Yes, it was all getting a bit hairy there for a while. What! What! I have been rationing my mushy peas and was on my last tin when the news of the volcano came. I celebrated with a pint of amusingly named ale, warty cock, I believe". 
Possibly the Icelandic volcano. |
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NZ apple growers looking forward to sending rotten apples to Australia 19 April 2010 After a 90 year trade embargo due to fire blight, a bacterial disease, NZ apple growers were rubbing their hands together in anticipation at the prospect of sending rotten and spoiled apples to those "bastard Aussies, whether they want them or not!" However, NZ apple growers are being cautious, ever wary of the perceived crafty, one-eyed Australian and their masterful skill at keeping shite out of their country via the use of trade barriers and fancy legal speak.   Apples! |
Melbourne's two Storm fans, said to be distraught, rest of the
city oblivious 23rd April 2010 Following yesterday's announcement of the Melbourne Storm breach of the NRL's salary cap and the stripping of their two premiership titles; Melbourne Storms two fans Macca and Gazza were said to be distraught. The rest of Melbourne's 4 million people were however looking forward to this weekends AFL clash between Collingwood and Essendon.   Good Times! |
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Tonga first country to sign Obama's nuclear Non-Proliferation
Treaty. 14 April 2010 The South-Pacific island nation of Tonga today were the first country to sign the President Obama's nuclear Non-Proliferation treaty. While a worthy statement, critics were quick to point out that Tonga has no weapon development capabilities, let alone nuclear weapon capabilities. They also pointed out, that they do not currently have an army, navy or air force and the last time they were at war as a nation, was centuries ago when they used to sail to Samoa for a bit of biff.   Tonga Air: More reliable than British Airways! |
Millions to return to chips following cancer study 09 April 2010 With the release today of a study stating, that eating 5 fruit and vegetables a day has little or no impact on the majority of cancers; millions of people around the world said “Fuck this!” immediately prior to ordering the largest portion of chips they could find and plastering it in mayonnaise and tomato sauce. The study which followed the eating habits of 470,000 participants in 10 Western European countries showed that eating the recommended 5+ a day of fruit and vegetables had minor effects on cancer and other disease.   All of this straight in the bin |
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"Holy Christ! That was awesome!" say scientists. 04 April 2010 As a new record was set for high energy collisions, created by smashing 2 proton beams together; the scientists running the world’s largest atom smasher were heard to exclaim: “Christ on a bike, did you see that?”
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Study: Men get frying
pan induced pregnancy symptoms.
30 March 2010 A study published in the New England Journal of Science about Woman's Bits, this month stated that a large proportion of men feel frying pan induced symptoms of pregnancy. The study found that generally, symptoms are initially felt towards the end of the first trimester, when, after saying something along the lines of: "God, have I got 6 months more of this moaning and crying?".   Rolling pins are also good for hitting husbands. |
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Israeli Prime Minister: "Israel will continue to do whatever the
fuck it likes" 29 March 2010 Israeli Prime Minister, Mr Netanyahu, today confirmed in a press statement that "Israel will continue to do whatever the fuck it likes, when it likes and until Iran builds a great big fuck-off nuclear bomb there ain't a thing any of you can do about!"   You want a piece of this? |
Australian Police to Demand Sturdier Weapons to Beat Brown
People 24 March 2010 Police in Melbourne, Australia's second largest city, were today demanding sturdier weapons as they continue their relentless beating of brown people and anyone who talks a bit funny .   Police can bash twice as many Africans with this |
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Rodney Hide: "I'll continue being an immoral arsehole until
someone makes it illegal" 31st October 2009 Rodney Hide today confirmed that he will continue being an immoral pile of shit until someone makes it illegal, even if the things he's doing are completely contradictory to something he campaigned on previously. He stated to the press yesterday: "Yes, the whole world does revolve around me".   The lady pleasurer dildo 5000 |
Government should consider plastic bag levies as New Zealanders
to lazy and cheap - Greens.
28th October 2009 Green Party leader Russel Norman has called on the government to introduce compulsory plastic bag levies after it was demonstrated that New Zealanders do not give a flying fuck about the environment. This follows the New World supermarket chain's decision to withdraw the 5c charge from plastic bags following general consumer whining.   12.5% PURE NZ |
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SPCA warn everyone to stay away from country folk. 22nd October 2009 The SPCA has warned normal people to stay away from people who live in the country after it was discovered that they think rabbit hurling competitions are normal behaviour and because they're generally a bit backwards.   She's country hot |
Search and surveillance bill to put a police officer inside your
house. 15th October 2009 There could soon be a police officer inside every New Zealand house if changes to the search and surveillance bill are passed.   Thanks for the help public servant. |
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After 2-hour rambling and incoherent speech world reminded why
Libya was banned from UN. 24 September 2009 Following a 2-hour rambling and incoherent speech that reached new levels of tedium, even by United Nations standards, the world was reminded why Libya had been banned from the UN for 40 years.   Cook for 2 hours, checking every 30 minutes until tender |
Fiji will not be able to compete in tournament no one watches. 7 September 2009 Following the announcement from the mentally unhinged military dictator, Frank Bainimarama, that there would not be democratic elections anytime soon, Fiji have been dealt an (apparently) harsh political blow by being suspended from the Commonwealth.   Commonwealth Games British Cycling Champion |
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Michael Laws: "Why don't you child eating
Maoris go back to where you came from!" 4 September 2009 Wanganui/Whanganui Mayor Michael Laws is facing criticism after writing a strongly worded letter to a class of 11 year olds children in which he says that he would not listen to a word said by any Maori until they stop eating their children.   Laws: "I totally have Maori friends" |
NZ voters vote overwhelmingly for the right to punch their kids
in the face. PM ignores them. 28 August 2009 In the past week, New Zealanders have turned out in record numbers, to vote for the right to punch their children in the face. 88% of voters said they wanted to have the choice of giving their children a good ol' smack, if they dared step out of line without having to worry about Johnny law coming to lock them up.   |
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MPs: We're only sticking to the rules we made up to make us
rich. 05 August 2009 MPs were today pointing out that they had not broken any of the rules, that they made up, to decide up how much money they could secretly steal from taxpayers. The Prime Minister, John Key, has defended ministers, saying that many people did not realise that ministers were forced into their line of work and that most of them do not even own a holiday house in Hawaii.   Pimp Suits can now be claimed on expenses also. |
NZ public: Just let us get shitfaced will you? Binge drinking enthusiasts across New Zealand, were today telling the government to take their newly proposed drinking laws, making it harder for adults to get alcohol and to shove them where the sun doesn't shine.   How else will they get sex? |
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Paula Bennett: Defy us and we will crush you
Paula Bennett, the Minister of Social Development, has set a new government precedent by declaring that any member of the public who dares question government policy will be crushed by a new multi-phased approach.   |
US: Join our war in Afghanistan or we may invade you The USA has today said that if New Zealand do not join them in their continued oil blood war in Iraq Afghanistan, New Zealand may have no support if they were to be bombed, especially if it was out of spite by the US.   |
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All
Korean Parliamentary Disputes to be Settled by Taekwondo. After another 200+ man brawl in South Korean parliament yesterday, it has been decided that all parliamentary disputes will be settled by Korea's national martial art Taekwondo.   |
40 year anniversary of moon landing, still no closer to robot
maids. Despite yesterday being the 40th anniversary of landing a man on the moon, government officials said we are still no closer to owning hover cars, having robot maids do our ironing or holidaying on Mars.   |
More Stories
Swine flu infection rates soaring to blah, blah, blah
Mass Cheering as Cheating Bank Ordered to Pay $645m in Unpaid Tax.
Male Midwife: "Woman need to harden the fuck up!"
New Zealand wins bronze in world's fatty boom boom stakes.
John Key's super fun Pacific holiday.
No other news today as world stops to watch Michael Jackson funeral
Winston Peters attempting return to politics and limelight
New airline Jetstar considering new plans to stop stupid people flying with them.
Uggos to be banned from Wimbledon's centre court.
NZ Police to build from shooting of paraplegic man in wheel chair.
Michael Jackson, The King of Freaks, death finally starting to look interesting.
John Key: It might be shit now, but, it'd be even shitter under Labour. Everything is all their fault.
$35 Million NZ lottery winner to "blow" money on 4 badly worded non-binding referendums
Prisoner to be thrown in deep pit and made to fight to the death
Iran elections: Crazed nut job with white beard supports crazed nut job with black beard over crazed nut job with grey beard; everyone riots.
God Answers McCain's Prayers with Resounding and Bellowing "Nooo"
IRD vies for the top spot of New Zealand's biggest pricks
Reporters to continue standing out in the rain and speaking in strange voices
The NZ News Online's top 10 tips for telling the recession to "cock right off".
Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu: There can be a Palestinian statehood as long as we can bomb you for sport.
Graeme Henry: All Blacks building for 2011 choke.
New tattoo fails to be even slightly sexy
The NZ News Online signs up to Twitter*
NZ Banks told to stop being shits by another bunch of shits.
Australia shocked that Gordon Ramsey is an arrogant wanker.
<<Start <Previous 1
Disclaimer: The above articles and all articles on The NZ News Online are Satire or Parody and are not real news. They are entirely fictitious/devoid of facts/made up for the purposes of comedy/NOT REAL.
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News in Brief
NZ Apples
Apples, apples, apples, apples, apples, apples, apples, apples, apples, apples.
Israel: "We did not mean to insult Vice-President Biden"
"It was just a massive bonus" says Israeli minister.
Civil Defence criticised for not sending more morons down to watch the tsunami.
"Events like this are a great way to increase the average IQ of the population" says evolutionary biology professor.
American President talks to New Zealand Prime Minister at UN Summit
"He asked me where the men's room was and if the booze was free" said Mr Key.
American Senator you've never heard of died
"Ted Kennedy, which one was he then? Just because something is big news in America does not make it news everywhere' says news viewer wondering why this is getting so much coverage
NZ Herald to continue with unscientific polls
"We've found that as long as you put a disclaimer in tiny letters next to whatever you're printing you can print whatever you feel like" says Herald reporter.
Expert: Weatherston will be a target in prison.
"You mean the most hated man in New Zealand might have trouble in a concrete box fill to the brim with violent criminals, fascinating" says man not paying for the paper today.
NASA delete original tapes of 1959 moonwalk.
"But, it was the final of LOST, well, not forever obviously that gibberish still has a few seasons to run yet" says NASA scientist.
More News in Brief
TV1 Breakfast to report on new Harry Potter movie...again.
"Ok I get it there's a new bloody kids movie, now show some new will you" says irate viewer.
USA and Russia sign nuclear disarmament treaty
"Obviously we'll leave enough to destroy the world" says government spokesman.
Wellington Phoenix get new strip.
"Wellington's got a soccer team then?" says sports viewer.
20th bledisloe cup match to be held in Tokyo.
"Yep, it's all about the money" says SANZAR representative
Michael Jackson fans remember he was black.
"Oh yeah, I had totally forgotten" says apparent long time fan buying a best of album.
British and Irish Lions continue proud, proud, proud history of losing
"Do you think we've said proud enough times" says British rugby correspondent.
Paedophile, who can sing and dance dies.
"He would've made a great catholic priest" say fans.
Rugby-gate: Chair to press assault charges after attack by French Rugby player
"I just felt so cheap" says inanimate wooden object
Iran elections: Mir Hossein Mousavi ready to be a martyr
"Enough with the martyrdom, not everything has to end in martyrdom" says correspondent from west.
Government restricts Tamiflu sales as they finally reduce their bird flu stockpile.
"We completely underestimated how many mugs there were out there" says government spokesman "it's been very lucrative".
Telecoms XT network can send a text message faster than a boat
"No fucking shit, IT"S A BOAT AND NOT A FUCKING PHONE" says annoyed consumer.
All Blacks and France looking forward to Rugby World Cup 7th and 8th play off.
"We're still the best in the world, really we are, well at least until September 2011" says coach Graeme Henry.
Breaking News: Bollard makes no change to OCR
"Well, that's not really news then is it" says mortgage slaves all over New Zealand
Swine Flu level raised to punch your neighbour in the face and eat your cat.
"Why is no one panicking" says boy crying wolf.
The NZ News Online to launch iGoogle once someone explains to the editor what it is.
"So is that what twitter is then" says our bespectacled bearded leader "and what the hell is tinyurl.com".
Kung Fu star David Carradine found dead in hotel room. Ninjas responsible?
The star is suspected to have died in a battle to the death over a claim that Wushu Kung Fu is superior to all martial arts.
Korea likely to be put
back on meaningless
terror list.
"At least until they stop be crazy
for 5 minutes" says US
spokesman
David Bain Not Guilty
"Finally, some breaking News"
say NZ media. Simpsons fans
across NZ fans are said to be
distraught.
New message from
Osama Bin Laden
"Well that was a bit downbeat"
says political correspondent
after viewing.
Police catch South
Island fugitive after 3
months on the run.
"Righto, now onto China"
says Detective in charge.
Even More News in Brief
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