With the release today of a study stating, that eating 5 fruit and vegetables a day has little or no impact on the majority of cancers; millions of people around the world said “Fuck this!” immediately prior to ordering the largest portion of chips they could find and plastering it in mayonnaise and tomato sauce.

The study which followed the eating habits of 470,000 participants in 10 Western European countries showed that eating the recommended 5+ a day of fruit and vegetables had minor effects on cancer and other disease.

Greg Jefferson, a fat lad from England welcomed the news. He said: “Now, when me Mum tries to make me have some salad on my burger, I can tell her to sod off and just order mince and cheese,”

He continued: “Another positive is any time some salad munching vegetarian tries to tell me to eat less meat and more vegetables I can punch them square in the nose. I mean, I would’ve done this anyway but now I have a 30 second news article to back me up, and therefore, am right.”

In 1990 the UN's World Health Organisation (WHO) issued a recommendation that stated that five servings of fruit and vegetables per day helped prevent cancer and other diseases. This latest study backs up what everyone previously thought of the WHO, that they are a bunch of boring, tweed-wearing, condom-loving, fun spoilers

Critics of the study have pointed out that as the people surveyed were Western Europeans, the study may be skewed, as how can you really trust a people who think the Eurovision song contest is a worthwhile and entertaining venture.