NZ Banks told to stop being shits by another bunch of shits.
Ahead of today's Reserve Bank announcement on the Official Cash Rate (OCR), politicians were telling banks to stop being a bunch of shits and drop their interest rates on lending. Despite a drop in the OCR of 5.75% since this time last year, banks mortgage rates over the same period have only dropped 2%. New Zealanders continue to have the highest interest rates in the developed world, but luckily for the banks, continue to be largely oblivious to this.
NZ politicians, have put out this statement jointly, and as such, have been relishing the opportunity to use the term bipartisan and therefore sound like and hopefully be associated with Barack Obama. In their statement politicians also commented that
the
Australian owned banks were offering much higher interest rates in New
Zealand compared to their Australian counterparts. That is, despite the
Australian OCR being 0.5% higher than New Zealand's. They continued,
that the most likely cause of this, was that they were "arseholes".In their defence Jan Smith, a spokesperson for ANZ said: "Yes, of course, we are still making huge profits, the problem is these profits, are not quite as disgustingly huge, as they have been in the past year. That's why we can't pass on the interest rate decreases, it's quite simple, we need to make more money. Other companies expect to make less in a recession, we prefer to stick to our Don't you just want to punch him in the face? business model and that basically involves acting like a pack of heartless face punching pricks".
Critics were asking, if Politicians are so up in arms about rates, why are Kiwibank's interest rates so high, seeing as KiwiBank is wholly owned by NZ post, which is a state owned enterprise. With Kiwibank's variable rate a mere 0.5% below the Australian banks and their 5 year fixed rates as high as the competitions. The public are questioning why they haven't pulled their fingers out.
In response to this information, Jim Jameson, a wage slave from Porirua said: "Well, yes that's a real kick in the teeth, instead of harping on, why can't these bastard politicians just get Kiwibank to drop their rates, as soon as one of them drops, they'll all drop. Scum!".
With banks continuing to be tighter than a duck's arse, the news for first time buyers remained typically bleak. Because, despite houses being more affordable than any time in the past 5 years, still no bastard bank will lend any money to a first time buyer. The whole situation akin to dangling a sandwich in front of a Guantamo Bay prisoner, before throwing it in the bin and giving them a good ol' fashioned water-boarding.
We asked our financial expert, John Tallow: Because the majority of New Zealand banks are Australian owned, has this had an effect on interest rates? He said: "Well, I don't know how much you can blame the Australian owners, I mean, BNZ, ASB, Trust Bank, these all used to be New Zealand owned, no one forced them to sell. You could, I guess, blame the previous greedy NZ owners, who sold to greedy Australian owners."
Meanwhile Westpac has reported a huge surge in people applying for overdrafts, in the hope that they too will become millionaires and be able to disappear to a country with no extradition treaty with New Zealand.
Disclaimer: The above articles and all articles on The NZ News Online are Satire or Parody and are not real news. They are entirely fictitious/devoid of facts/made up for the purposes of comedy/NOT REAL.
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