The NZ News Online's top 10 tips for telling the recession to "cock right off".
Blatantly ripping off the idea from every other newspaper on the planet The NZ News Online is bringing you it's top 10 tips for telling the recession to cock right off.
1. Tell everyone your retired.
Laid off from your job folding boxes in a cardboard factory because they've bought a machine that can do it faster, better and cheaper than you. No problem, tell everyone you've retired. How did you make your fortune? You had investments which you sold before the crash. Watch everyone turn green with envy. Anyone doubt you? Threaten to punch them in the nose.
2. Chop down that Pohutakawa tree in your backyard
You've wanted that native tree gone for years and now you can't afford to heat your house. Chop the bastard down and use it for firewood. Think your neighbours will call the council, they'll more than likely be doing the same thing. Even if they do with John Key cutting councils to the bare minimum, there won't be anyone around to do anything about it, even if someone does complain. If they do send out fines just use them to light your fire.
3. Rob your neighbours.
You've been sitting at home for 3 months and know your neighbours patterns better than your own. She's off to yoga for an hour? That's plenty of time to kick down the back door, grab the plasma TV and call the cops, giving a description of someone who looks nothing like you. Before chucking on the kettle and continuing to 4.
4. Boxset after boxset after boxset.
Never watched the Sopranos, had money to spend down the pub instead of watching the gibberish that is Lost, 24 required to much commitment. Head down to your local video store on $1 Tuesday and stock up. Recession: I shit 'em
5. Get experimental with cooking.
Yes, you used to be able to by your food from a shop and thought you were too la-de-dah to fish around in a rubbish bin for scraps. Well that was then and this is now. Road kill casserole and hedgehog stew are two delicious recession busting meals.
6. Burn down your house.
Insurance fraud gets such a bad name, but better to get the insurance money than have the bank sell your house and laugh in your face as you crawl into the gutter. Guilt? Why? Remember the only bigger pricks than insurance companies are banks.
7. Get an overdraft from Westpac
You'd assume they wouldn't make the same mistake twice, but hell if they do, take the money and run. If they're going to sell your house anyway you may as well get what you can off the bastards.
8. Umm, right, yeah
Ok, I could only think of 7, but 10 is such a nice round number. I mean give me a break I'm here, attempting to be funny day in, day out and for what, for a demanding and un-appreciating public ...... (inaudible grumblings)
Disclaimer: The above articles and all articles on The NZ News Online are Satire or Parody and are not real news. They are entirely fictitious/devoid of facts/made up for the purposes of comedy/NOT REAL.
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