Reporters to continue standing out in the rain and speaking in strange voices
Reporters across New Zealand today have been pledged that they will continue to stand at the scene, where something not particularly interesting happened hours previously, if there was a slight chance that it would give the story the appearance of real journalism or at least trick you into thinking it was interesting. They have also confirmed that they will interview other journalists at the station with pre-supplied questions and while doing so conduct these farcical interviews in an odd super serious tone that no one, anywhere, ever, has ever actually spoken in.
Despite every politician in Wellington being either in the bar or propositioning people with the promises of jobs for sex by 3pm. Reporters still insisted on standing outside parliament at 6pm and again at 10pm as if that somehow adds integrity to the nonsense pouring out of their mouths, like effluent from a drainpipe after heavy rain.
As part of the ever spreading weather coverage, engulfing actual news faster than new Israeli settlements can engulf Palestine (Ed: Now that's satire). Some poor sap has to head out into the elements and show us how wet it actually is, as if, we all live and work in windowless boxes. While anyone with a bit of common sense is already holed up somewhere, hugging there heater and praying for summer.
Further to this, reporters promised to keep interviewing each other, with questions they've already provided to each other and answers already pre-rehearsed. Rather than interview someone who might have something interesting to say. They will also speak in tones so strange that it will make you turn to your partner/flatmate/empty armchair and say "do you think they talk to their friends in their odd voice", before you realise it is unlikely these people have friends.
Taking a leaf out of their book, The NZ News Online, we go to our roving reporter outside parliament, John Jameson. "So, John, is anything happening there?". "Good Morning, Michael, yes I'm here outside parliament where absolutely nothing is happening, I mean literally sweet fuck all, oh wait, there's a cloud, cover that". "Thanks for that John".
Disclaimer: The above articles and all articles on The NZ News Online are Satire or Parody and are not real news. They are entirely fictitious/devoid of facts/made up for the purposes of comedy/NOT REAL.
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