National News
All blacks jersey changes, flight of the conchords visit a school and kittens up a tree.
NZ apple growers looking forward to sending rotten apples to Austral
After a 90 year trade embargo due to fireblight, a bacterial disease, NZ apple growers were rubbing their hands together in anticipation at the prospect of sending rotten and spoiled apples to those "bastard Aussies, whether they want them or not!"
Study: Men get frying pan induced pregnancy symptoms.
A study published in the New England Journal of Science about Woman's Bits, this month stated that a large proportion of men feel frying pan induced symptoms of pregnancy.
Rodney Hide: "I'll continue being an immoral arsehole until someone makes it illegal"
Rodney Hide today confirmed that he will continue being an immoral pile of shit until someone makes it illegal, even if the things he's doing are completely contradictory to something he campaigned on previously.
Government should consider plastic bag levies as New Zealanders to lazy and cheap - Greens.
Green Party leader Russel Norman has called on the government to introduce compulsory plastic bag levies after it was demonstrated that New Zealanders do not give a flying fuck about the environment.
SPCA warn everyone to stay away from country folk.
The SPCA has warned normal people to stay away from people who live in the country after it was discovered that they think rabbit hurling competitions are normal behaviour and because they're generally a bit backwards.
Search and surveillance bill to put a police officer inside your house.
There could soon be a police officer inside every New Zealand house if changes to the search and surveillance bill are passed.
Michael Laws: "Why don't you child eating Maoris go back to where you came from!"
Wanganui/Whanganui Mayor Michael Laws is facing criticism after writing a strongly worded letter to a class of 11 year olds children in which he says that he would not listen to a word said by any Maori until they stop eating their children.
NZ voters vote overwhelmingly for the right to punch their kids in the face. PM ignores them.
In the past week, New Zealanders have turned out in record numbers, to vote for the right to punch their children in the face. 88% of voters said they wanted to have the choice of giving their children a good ol' smack, if they dared step out of line without having to worry about Johnny law coming to lock them up.
MPs: We're only sticking to the rules we made up to make us rich.
MPs were today pointing out that they had not broken any of the rules, that they made up, to decide up how much money they could secretly steal from taxpayers.
NZ public: Just let us get shitfaced will you?
Binge drinking enthusiasts across New Zealand, were today telling the government to take their newly proposed drinking laws, making it harder for adults to get alcohol and to shove them where the sun doesn't shine.
Paula Bennett: Defy us and we will crush you
Paula Bennett, the Minister of Social Development, has set a new government precedent by declaring that any member of the public who dares question government policy will be crushed by a new multi-phased approach.
US: Join our war in Afghanistan or we may bomb you
The USA has today said that if New Zealand do not join them in their continued oil blood war in Iraq Afghanistan, New Zealand may have no support if they were to be bombed, especially if it was out of spite by the US.
Mass Cheering as Cheating Bank Ordered to Pay $645m in Unpaid Tax.
Crowds lined the main roads of New Zealand today, to cheer the announcement, that one of the leading Australian banks in New Zealand, the confusingly named Bank of New Zealand, had been ordered by the high courts to pay $645 million in unpaid tax.
New Zealand wins bronze in world's fatty boom boom stakes.
An OECD health report today showed that New Zealand is the 3rd fattest country in the world, chomping at the heels of other pie loving nations USA (1st) and Mexico (2nd).
John Key's super fun Pacific holiday.
John Key was in Tonga today on the first leg of his tax payer funded holiday.
Winston Peters attempting return to politics and limelight.
Following Winston Peters appearance on channel One's Q and A show, speculation is building that he is planning a return to politics.
New airline Jetstar considering new plans to stop stupid people flying with them.
After a rocky start to their New Zealand domestic service, Jetstar are considering banning stupid people from flying on their airline.
Government to rename popular swimming spots after tests show they're mostly composed of shit.
The Government has decided to rename some of New Zealand's most popular swimming spots to more appropriate names after if was found that many of them are literally full to the brim with human and animal shit.
NZ Police to build from shooting of paraplegic man in wheel chair.
NZ Police were feeling positive after yesterday's successful shooting of a paraplegic man in a wheelchair in Christchurch, but, they warned they still have a long way to go until they were back to shooting minority courier drivers in high speed motorway pursuits.
John Key: It might be shit now, but, it'd be even shitter under Labour. Everything is all their fault.
New Zealand's Prime Minister, John Key, continued on his tried and tested political tract by blaming all of New Zealand's problems on the previous labour government.
$35 Million NZ lottery winner to "blow" money on 4 badly worded non-binding referenda
The purchaser of yesterdays winning lotto ticket has said they will most likely use the winnings to fund 4 badly worded, non-binding referendums.
Prisoner to be thrown in deep pit and made to fight to the death
With New Zealand prisons filling rapidly and with a government too tight to build more, crazed and constantly enraged Corrections Minister Judith Collins, has thrown her support behind plans to build a 20m deep pit where up to 100 prisoners at a time will be able to fight to the death.
IRD vies for the top spot of New Zealand's biggest pricks
The IRD are vying to return to the top spot of New Zealand biggest arseholes, after being bumped from the long running number 1 spot, by money grabbing banks and horny politicians.
Reporters to continue standing out in the rain and speaking in strange voices
Reporters across New Zealand today have been pledged that they will continue to stand at the scene, where something not particularly interesting happened hours previously, if there was a slight chance that it would give the story the appearance of real journalism or at least trick you into thinking it was interesting.
The NZ News Online's top 10 tips for telling the recession to "cock right off".
Blatantly ripping off the idea from every other newspaper on the planet The NZ News Online is bringing you it's top 10 tips for telling the recession to cock right off.
The NZ News Online signs up to Twitter*
With daily readership of The NZ News Online soaring above single figures, faster than current rates of swine flu infection (however, much slower than the media can try and work us into a frenzy over it).
NZ Banks told to stop being shits by another bunch of shits.
Ahead of today's Reserve Bank announcement on the Official Cash Rate (OCR), politicians were telling banks to stop being a bunch of shits and drop their interest rates on lending.
Telecom XT service launched with hugely annoying advertising campaign
Telecom has launched its new 3G XT network in New Zealand with a series of a hugely annoying adds, which fail to show off the capabilities of the network.
David Bain Verdict: We wouldn't fuck it up quite so royally these days say Police.
If they were to reinvestigate the David Bain case today NZ Police say they would not fuck it up quite so royally as they did in 1994 and if they did they would at least get their story straight.
Minister exactly as dirty as you expected him to be.
With Minister Richard Worth's forced resignation, details are emerging detailing him as the dirty politician you suspected all politicians to be.
New Zealand to expect a rise in the number of evil geniuses.
Yesterday in the 2009 Budget, the National government announced that there is to be a reduction in government funding for scientific research and development.
Number of "cube racers" to increase
The number of cube racers is expected to increase dramatically with the introduction of the new government laws which allow the crushing of any car driven by someone with pimples and smelling strongly of Lynx Africa.
Auckland stick and flag festival largest yet.
Auckland's largest stick and flag festival was well attended yesterday despite the wet, wintery conditions.
Weather - SHIT!!!!!
Winter came to Wellington at about the same time it has every year for the past few hundred millennia.
Westpac aids in bank robbery
Interpol were today investigating Westpac's possible part in the robbery of a Westpac bank by a Rotorua business man.
Housewives who can't multiply or divide by two up in arms.
Across the country, New Zealand housewives were demonstrating why they are not industrial chemists, rocket scientists or surgeons.
Shock as it is discovered pigs not cuddled to death
There was shock across New Zealand today after the weekends revelation, that New Zealand pork does not come from pigs that are raised in their own personal heat controlled barns, fed on gourmet grain, fruit and vegetables and given hourly cuddles.
Attention seeking harpy complains about attention
Newly appointed Families Commissioner Christine Rankin slammed the New Zealand press for the intrusion into her life over the weekend.
Melissa Lee's plan to solve Auckland's crime problems.
National MP Melissa Lee unveiled her plan to reduce and possibly completely remove Auckland's crime problems.
John Key's super-fantastic recession layoff experiment
The New Zealand Prime Minister, John Key's, recession experiment continued with his promise to extend the recession by laying off the only people who's employment he has direct control over, government employees.
Chickens - stressed as f%#k!
A vague unnamed possibly scientific report, has stated that, whether battery or free range, chickens are all on edge, and, if only they had an opposable thumb they'd be heading into a bank with a mask and a shot gun.
It's Armageddon people!
While the general public yawned at the latest mad cow/ SARS/ foot and mouth/ scrapie/ salmonella/ bird/ ovine flu developments, governments worldwide are bracing themselves for the unavoidable onslaught caused by ovine flu.
Disclaimer: The above articles and all articles on The NZ News Online are Satire or Parody and are not real news. They are entirely fictitious/devoid of facts/made up for the purposes of comedy/NOT REAL.
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